Its kind of crazy when i wake up i hear the devil talking to me. Now before you think I'm crazy I literally don't mean the real devil I mean the evil and demons inside of me I have an urge for my dependency. Well before I tell you all that I'll tell you how it all started. When I was 18 I injured myself i tore my Rotator cuff at work. So I went to the Doctor, I needed surgery for my injury. But if you are not familiar with insurance companies the last thing they want to do is pay for an expensive surgery so they made me see over 8 doctors and guess what they all said? I needed surgery, and every time I seen a doctor they gave me an enormous amount of pills and I seen my doctors at least 2 times a week for about 5 years. They would give me muscle relaxers pain killers you name it I got it. I remember the first time I got high off of prescription pills I was laying in bed and I remember feeling real good and just felt happy and all my pain went away, And the more pills I took the happier I got. Back then I didn't really like doing drugs it just wasn't me I used to smoke bud in high school but stopped when I was shipped to Boot camp and that was when I was 16. So every now and then I would pop some pills and feel good. After a while my friends would ask why am I always in a good mood and why at a flip of a hat would I just flip out and try to fight some one. Because if you dont know taking vicodin or norcos (Pain Killers) you lose your temper real fast. I told them I pop pills! They were interested So I started selling my pills to my friends for about $2 a pill and I would see a different doctor every 2 weeks so I would get at least 2000 pills a week so if you do the math I was making a good amount of money at the time. At that point in time I would probably take 3 or 4 pills a day. Back then I seen that it was very addictive drug, and just because you got them from a doctor doesn't mean its not a drug IT IS! Some of my friends and my friends parents would call me at all hours of the night asking for some. one woman I didn't know would call me and she would buy them for $10 a pill and she would buy 50 at a time that's how addicting they are. Over the years I seen myself take more and more just to catch that high I got when I first started popping pills. Finally after almost 5 years I got my surgery. They asked if I do any drugs I told them other then the medication I was getting from the doctors I didn't do any drugs which was true. So they pumped me full of drugs which felt like a warm wave vibrating threw my body. The doctor asked if I felt any thing I told him no I didn't feel any thing yet, while I was saying that I could barely keep my eyes open because i was so loaded. The doctor said OK I will give you just a little bit more, he did and I felt that same sensation I felt the first time that warm vibrating feeling rushing threw my blood stream. The next thing I knew a nurse was waking me up telling me I did good and the surgery was over and it was a successful one. I was very drugged up and couldn't feel anything but I called the nurse over and told her I have a little pain in my shoulder she looked at me and told me that was impossible but it looked like she didn't want to argue so she pumped some more pain killers into my vain, it wasn't the same stuff they gave me before but I felt that same feeling when I popped pills a happy feeling that made me feel good. After my surgery I knew I wasn't gonna get that much pills any more so I tried to get as much as possible I got about 500 more pills. But this time it was different I didn't want to sell them I wanted all of them for myself! And now I know that was the beginning to an ugly situation that I never thought I would be in. At that point of time I found that I needed about double the pills I needed to feel about just half of the high I used to get when I first started popping pills, So now I would take about 5 at first then pop 2 more about 45 minutes after everyday! So at that rate those pills didn't last very long. At that point of time I found myself buying some pills every now and then. At that point I didn't think I was addicted I figured I could stop taking pills whenever I wanted which at that point in time was true one day I went to go but some Norcos (Painkillers) and the lady I was picking them off of was trying to charge me $3 a pill so I said fuck that and for about 3 months I didn't take any pills and I was fine. I was fine until my best friend, my homie, pretty much my brother killed himself. It was out of no where and now looking back it hurt me more then I knew at the time it killed me inside I couldn't save my best friend. I couldn't stop what was hurting him inside and it still kills me inside i just do a good job at keeping it a secret. The only person that noticed it was my girlfriend. One way of dealing with the pain was me popping pills because that was the one thing I knew that would make me happy. but instead of taking vicodin or norcos I tried popping some Oxycontain and if you don't know what Oxycontain is it is pretty much Heroin in a pill, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it really is Heroin in a pill. I popped a Oxycontain and went to the viewing, popped one when I went to the actual funeral I popped one at the after get together. Looking back that was when me popping pills wasn't me wanting to feel happy or just because I was bored it was because I wanted it more and more. Now when I pop some vicodin and norcos I need about 10 pills at first then I will have to pop 6 more 45 minutes later. But now when I pop pills I don't get that happy high I used to get I don't feel anything!! The only thing I do feel is emptiness I feel lost. Now when I pop pills I don't do it for the High I do it so I don't feel sick. Now we are at what I was talking about in the beginning of this post. When I wake up I hear that devil inside of me yearning for those disgusting pills! That happy High is long gone sometimes when I pop pills I literally shed tears because I cant believe I let myself get like this 20 pills a day just to feel normal and not sick! its disgusting just to say that. Losing my Best friend was it for me. I know the way I'm going there is just one place for me to go and that is the same grave next to Chris. I tried to quit 2 weeks ago and I failed miserably Now I take 2 Oxycontains and 10 Norcos just to feel something. The pain I get for not taking pills is intense. I just hear that devil inside me making excuses just to take one its horrible and sickening. If I just take one this headache will go away.... well if I take one I might as well take 2 because it wont go away with just one, well if I take 2 I might as well just take 4 and it just snowballs after that. The most sickening part is when I pop the pills I don't even get High any more the pain just goes away. I just feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this dark world that I can not escape. Its lonely and dark and all I hear is that Devil urging me just to take more. I'm not writing this to give you guys entertainment I just need to get it out it is killing me inside no one really knows and to be honest I don't know how long my body can take it, me taking 20 or 30 pills a day. I used to love life now I dread waking up to that same feeling junkies get when they need a hit. I Hate it I just don't want to hear that Devil no more I want to be Normal again that Happy Christopher every one knows and loves but unfortunately I know things will never be the same And I just have to find a way to deal with this Rotten emptiness that I feel inside.....
No comments:
Post a Comment